I took a break from writing. Sure, I still showed up on Instagram to share a few words three to four times a week, but I stopped the deep soul search of digging up the truth. Of sitting quietly and asking God what He wanted to tell me. Of listening to the creaks in my life and asking why they made the sound they did.

I’d like to say it wasn’t intentional. That my fingers stopped asking the hard questions because life has been so darn full. And that is true … to a point. But also I didn’t want to know. The world is a hard place to be right now. Saying that feels like a loaded sentence. It feels like a commentary on whatever pain point is closest to your heart and mind right now. And maybe it is. But I chose to check out for the summer. I chose to give myself a pass on the pain of pandemic, broken pieces, countries imploding, political parties poking. I chose to take a break from the pain—a privilege I am not proud of.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is truly harder and scarier and heavier today than it was five, ten, fifteen years ago or if I just knew less back then. I think of my children and their little worlds. The wars they face are with bedtimes and broccoli. The news is read to them in the form of: What is happening in Bear Country, Will Pete the Cat go back to school or Why purple people are made of all colors in the rainbow?

I’d like to stop there and just apologize that I checked out but I feel I have to be more accountable than that. The real truth even as I type the words above is that I became overwhelmed with writing. It seemed the deeper I fell into the professional world of writing the more I learned about strategy. The cohesiveness of my brand seemed to be of utmost importance. And so I let the pressure to be a brand diminish the complexity of who I am. Because I don’t know if I will ever be just one thing.

I am mother, sister, daughter, wife, friend, messy, organized, passionate, reserved, hurt, healed, believer, skeptic, creative, strategic. I am me and I don’t seem to fit into the brand mold. So I shut out and hid the parts of me that seemed to distract you from the message. And maybe I’ll keep doing that. Because these days being a working writer is as in depth and time consuming and overwhelming as you let it be. Always one more blog, newsletter, post, book to write. But for today I’m just sharing this: I’m here and this space may become a little less cultivated and a little more messy. This space may just become more honest than I knew it could be. Or it may not.