After my second miscarriage I did not get pregnant again for 7 months. I had gotten pregnant immediately with the two babies I then lost, so this felt like a slap in the face. Not only could I not keep a baby alive, I now couldn’t even conceive.

There were some months where this didn’t bother me too much and there were others where I was all too clearly aware of the deficit. I was in a season of waiting that butted up to a previous season of mourning. It was uncomfortable.

Fertility aside, the months of waiting were also hard months for our family. We were in a state of transition in other areas and having trouble working well together. Ben and I couldn’t seem to communicate effectively which led us to arguments and frustration. It was a hard summer. In the midst of it all I couldn’t see clearly. But as we worked through some of our challenges (and came out a stronger team!) I started to see the beauty in the losses we had and were experiencing.

If I had not lost either of my earlier pregnancies I would be VERY pregnant in the midst of all the other challenges we were going through. If I had gotten pregnant in the midst of our hard summer it might have added pressure to an already stressful time.

I can see all this now. I can see God and his merciful plan. I can see the beauty of waiting on God’s timing rather than my own. Sometimes it’s hard to see clearly in the midst of waiting.